Out of the Mud

Sometimes, there are these pure moments during davenning, when suddenly I awaken and the world and all its voices and illusion slip gracefully away. And I know why I am a Jewess. I was created for the ideal; it is my love of G-d and Torah that drives me. I know who I am.

When things get muddy, when things go wrong, and the world disappoints, especially when my fellow Jews disappoint, I need to remember.

In such a moment everything becomes simple.

I understand.

I know.

I am in touch with the Source of everything- and there, I am welcome. All of me is welcome, who I am, totally, every part of me, down to my DNA and sub-atomic particles , every thought and feeling.

I am.

it is beyond joy or delight

I welcome those moments, when everything softly falls away, like grains of sand. It is like being relieved of a heavy cloak grounded in matter and mud. Pure being.

I know I know I know!

I know why I was created. Not as a Jewess, or as a human being, but why I personally, was created. It is an answer, something which sustains me when I forget or memory fades. It is so pure. I was created to be a Jew.

This is what I was made for!
This is what I live for
This is what I am willing to die for

Sweet sweet being sweet sweet prayer. I become prayer. Entirely and wholly in the stillness I come to rest. In the light and presence of G-d. While my being listens and sings in harmony, I am I am I Am Kadosh KadoshKadoshAdonaitzeva'otm'lokholha-aretzk'vodo....

~~~~~~~

On rare occasions, I have felt surprisingly known by G-d. But that's a whole other story! The experience astounded me the first time. I had no idea it was possible. I marvel at it.

I find it difficult to daven alone. My most intense experiences of G-d's Presence occur with others. Funnily, that also drives me towards Jews, towards community and minyanim, and all services. G-d created me for this purpose. Among others. G-d and His Torah are beyond genius. And He knows me way better than I know myself and what I need and what motivates me. Cool!

I need to pray because most of the time, I feel very much like David, who in great distress, said to the prophet, Gad, "Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for great is His compassion. Let me not fall into the hands of mortals". G-d knows what I need to sustain me to keep me on the path of living Jewishly, sacredly. It gets to be a dirty business, sometimes, embedded in worldly matter, raising sparks, brawling with J-bloggers (heh).

The moments when I transition from mudperson to pure being without leaving my body give me purpose and sustain me. I understand completely why I am here. Without that connection I would feel beleaguered and lost; I consider it G-d's gift to me, when He shines His countenance fully upon me and grants me favour. And prayer, in every way, keeps me focussed and strong. As do my fellow Jews, especially my fellow Jews, when we pray together. There truly is comfort and strength in praying numbers, where G-d's Presence is magnified . And in knowing and in being known, so intimately. I am grateful to every soul who completes a minyan. Take it from me: I couldn't do it without you. And, I imagine, neither could G-d.